Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in mowdan's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, June 24th, 2009
2:01 pm	i'm home period (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 3rd, 2009
2:59 am	this is my favorite poem, now. Wait by C. K. Williams Chop, hack, slash; chop, hack, slash; cleaver, boning knife, ax -- not even the clumsiest clod of a butcher could do this so crudely, time, as you do, dismember me, render me, leave me slop in a pail, one part of my body a hundred years old, one not even there any more, another still riven with idiot vigor, voracious as the youth I was for whom everything was always going too slowly, too slowly. It was me then who chopped, slashed, through you, across you, relished you, gorged on you, slugged your invisible liquor down raw. Now you're polluted; pulse, clock, calendar taint you, befoul you, you suck at me, pull at me, barbed wire knots of memory tear me, my heart hangs, inert, a tag-end of tissue, firing, misfiring, trying to heave itself back to its other way with you. But was there ever really another way with you? When I ran as though for my life, wasn't I fleeing from you, or for you? Wasn't I'd frightened you'd fray, leave me nothing but shreds? Aren't I still? When I snatch at one of your moments, and clutch it, a pebble, a planet, isn't it wearing away in my hand as though I, not you, were the ocean of acid, the corrosive in which I dissolve? Wait, though, wait: I should tell you too how happy I am, how I love it so much, all of it, chopping and slashing and all. Please know I love especially you, how every morning you turn over the languorous earth, for how would she know otherwise to do dawn, to do dusk, when all she hears from her speech-creatures is "Wait!"? We whose anguished wish is that our last word not be "Wait." (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 29th, 2008
1:39 pm	1) had a dream about a dog fashion show in which the dogs were given makeovers (makeup, clothes, hair, yes, hair) and then walked down a runway while their owners cooed and took pictures. 2) in other news, house on mango street closes this weekend and then i have to find another job. ick. 3) my brother rickrolled me the other day. 4) last halloween was spent, in chronological order, puking in a montreal subway station, a 19 hour train ride to new york, seeing a guy dressed up as a penis at penn station, and devouring chicken chow fun amid groans of pleasure in my room. this one will probably be less eventful. probably. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, October 20th, 2008
11:10 pm	kayla i had one with you in it first there was some skiing involved i think. but then i was in your living room with you and your parents and your dad was telling me about this place y'all had been to where you could jump off a cliff. it was like this rolling grassy hill on top of a huge precipice in the middle of the ocean with a sheer white drop on one side. and it cost 3 grand to do it and apparently it was very fun; all of you had done it before and liked it. so me and you went to this place. there was this wooden shack on top that you jumped out of the door and off of the cliff from. there was a guy on a couch explaining how it worked, how you jump out the door and get into this position in the air and when you're about 50 feet above the water you get into cannonball position and then swim to shore. i went first. there were a bunch of skydivers in the sky, too. i met my mom in the water and tried to convince her to do it, but she had some work thing to attend to (she got a phone call and was taking notes on a napkin while we were floating there). she swam to shore with me, which was a series of barbed metal spikes that you had to slowly navigate through. we got to the bar (there was a bar at the bottom of the cliff, it was lit by skylights and really crowded) and she asked if i wanted a drink. i said a weak one, since i was still on an adrenaline high from jumping off a cliff. the bartender asked to see my ID. i said, I'm wearing a bathing suit, i don't have my ID on me. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 14th, 2008
2:44 pm	rounded w/ a sleep i was on a hike with my parents in some densely wooded area. we were walking along a little ridge above the main path. we came across a man with really greasy, wavy blonde hair and his daughter, who looked a lot like the 4 year old Hera from battlestar galactica (dark skin, frizzy brown hair). she asked my mom "como te llamas?" and my mom answered her, then reposed the question. the kid's name was dolphin. the dad said "you guys seem like upstanding citizens," or something "i hope you don't know those two gay guys back there" (gesturing behind him -- we did know them, we were going to meet them on our hike) "the mouths on them! cursing and talking about umbilical cords!" we sidled away. i was at a grassy bbq-pit picnic-ground type place after sunset. there were 20 or 30 other people my age who were my friends. someone said, "you have to stay here". as in, permanently. it started raining and we all tried to find places to sleep on and around this playground. sarah palin was there. i went to a performance of my cousin's band. he was playing bass. miley cyrus was on keyboard. later he said "we wanted to find some way to take down the energy of that song, but we just couldn't manage it". i was all the way up front, watching. it was very bouncy pop music. there was a submarine surfacing. someone was saying, "the question of ethics in this particular war turned out to be the use of submarines." i was a soldier at some kind of dilapidated military base. i was like 2nd in command or 3rd in command or something. a bunch of leaders were standing out of the water, discussing things, and one of them said, "we have to launch your submarine, sir", and then i went swimming around, undoing all the chains that were barely holding the sub in place. it started rocketing off. it turned into this weird thing on wheels that was careening around above ground in our base and we were trying to disable it. i was throwing chains in front of its wheels. it ran over a guy and killed him. his mom showed up and was crying and blaming me. later, my job was undoing valves on a nuke in preparation for firing it. i said to some people on the level below me (i was up in some kind of balcony), hey you guys might want to get out of the way, i'm undoing the hatches. the stopped talking to the audience members and booked out of there. i undid the hatches. later we were all ice-skating, as a protest. i was in my socks. i fell really hard on my backpack and tried to remember if there was anything breakable in there. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 8th, 2008
11:33 pm	you suffer a hoodwink who says you can have too much of a good thing? translation: i will watch as much battlestar galactica as i want to. and eat all the nutella i can stand. (on warm toast, hooray, hooray) pictures for sad children (Comment on this)
Friday, October 3rd, 2008
12:25 pm	who's up for donuts? my parents are going to socal this weekend. for a wedding. i am staying here because a) i have work b) the dogs. took them to the vet yesterday they did not like the rectal thermometers, and gibl refused to get on the scale. who knows. my head's going to fall off voice one: fuck fuck shit fuck shit shit fuck shit voice two: shit shit fuck shit fuck fuck shit fuck fuck shit shit fuck shit fuck fuck shit fuck shit shit fuck shit fuck fuck shit (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, September 29th, 2008
7:04 pm	uhhhh capillaries capitulation dehydrated delegates <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> i am asleep, i am asleep, i am asleep, i am asleep. lying in bed imagine a dimmer switch, turning down memories until all that's there is a suggestive glow <>*<>*<>^^^<>*<>*<> Undefined, soundless for the most part. smells only when specified. wet grass, hot cement, etc. ozone. \#_#/\#_#/\#_#/\#_#/\#_#/ i got another job. it's in san jose. it will pay $500. it is being a backstagehandhelper type person for a production of House On Mango Street a book i have always hated )(*)(_)(*)(_)(*)(_)(*)(_)(*)(_)(*)( the run is short! ->-<->-<->-<- somebody once told me that when falling from great heights it's the fall that kills you and not the actual impact. he said the falling caused some kind of vacuum to form around you and you can't breathe. he told me this when i was 15 or 16 and i only just realized that there is no way that can be true. i rickrolled my brother the other day. he got super pissed. HA HA HA! HHHH_HHHH_HHHH_HHHH_HHHH_=====_HHHH_HHHH_HHHH_HHHH_HHHH 0o.o0.0o.o0.0o.o0.0o.o0.0o.o0.0o.o0.0o.o0 we're watching waiting for guffman now. (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 18th, 2008
12:02 pm	wrestling with mediocrity. Dreams: about a post-apocalyptic paradise full of water and popcorn clouds and free group massages in the basement. plus, a french swimmer, an art gallery, and LA highways. other dreams: wandering around a version of san francisco with my brother. lying on my stomach in my grandmother's living room, writing down dreams that i had in the dream. something about my brother's clarinet. and a performance. we were to meet up to have a barbeque by the banks of a river. it was almost eight pm by the time we remembered we were supposed to go. he wanted to borrow a sweater, said he always used to wear the big baggy blue one of mine. i didn't have an extra, threw a random one i found on the ground. it was the big baggy blue one that i vaguely remembered having in real life. a cruise ship with halls as wide as a couple of shoeboxes. a view of the gg bridge and entire bay from the top of a windy hill with a eucalyptus tree on it that i've dreamt about before. some kind of dance competition between a boy and his sister and me and a friend of mine on a nordic beach at dusk, huge smooth black rocks everywhere, and sea lions singing like opera singers. my friend and i were dancing, they came upon us, challenged us, shared a joint with us, and then just joined us in wandering around SF. and a sister wrongfully locked up in a mental institution modeled after an aztec pyramid. tried to free her but a cop showed up and started throwing water balloons at some kids drinking 40s across the street. nearby a woman moves into a brick house, tapes wisteria fronds to the roof, blooms are as big as calla lilies. i introduce myself to her, she says she regrets paying 10 cents a piece for her huge desk that i can see through the window. the brick house is very old and used to have a little lean-to attached to it that, in the dream, i'd got a tattoo in. i graduate from high school and realize i'm going to miss all of my friends so much, say, "i'm sad." someone replies, "yes, that's the way it goes, and later, drunk". i meet four girls in an alley full of beds and pillows. one is a famous fugitive. i promise to email various things to each of them, make notes on the back of one girl's shirt. say, "i'm going to need your shirt, it has all my notes on it." she gives it to me. a poetry slam. i watch myself perform an abysmal team-piece with three other people. How long was that, i ask the judges, feeling it went on forever and surely got a ton of time-penalties. Two minutes, the judge says. The venue is mostly empty. next, the curtain onstage closes and a lady editor pokes her head out and begins to tell the dreams that a poet (anis mojgani) confessed to her on a series of cards that her company then published. if this were a haruki murakami novel i would've left the waking world for good already (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 1st, 2008
12:01 am	long term plan 1) finish book. write another book. 2) finish poetry manuscript. make another one. 3) learn a bunch of languages. 4) eat healthier. dance more. 5) go live at aloha lake for a week or something. 6) detach. DETACH! SHIT AND GODDAMN! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 3rd, 2008
11:34 am	shite 1) all i want to do is play music all the time forever this summer, i just want to get good at playing instruments and playing them with other people so i can go to lousiana and not suck when trying to BREAK INTO THE LIVE MUSIC SCENE 2) my youtube channel played a whole goddamned concert for the camera this afternoon it's technically very shitty but i had such a good time 3) hungry as all hell. 4) inspire, expire. denied, desired. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, May 26th, 2008
12:14 am	three hundred bucks life is sweet. already bought pink shoes/pink tights for the ballet performance (pink! holy fuck, right, i know, it's weird, you shoulda seen me in class it was freakish and strange) gonna go buy a uke and another harp tomorrow i think. there goes another 50. sweet god, a d harp. bwah ha ha. and a mahalo uke, nothing fancy, but enough to make my life interesting again. propositioned at work today a little bit. i'm game. what can i say. (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 17th, 2008
6:25 am	riddle me this, bat-dick 1) eight and a half hours of dishes. holy fuck. didn't do the math on that until right now. yikes. i think some of them might've gotten clean. 2) almost slept on bart on the way home from the kitchen. but this dude was sitting next to me being really tense and "i'm not going to acknowledge that there is a person sitting next to me on the train" like, vibes, yknow? i asked him for the time at one point. he fumbles for his phone going "uh uh it's after six uh uh. it's six fifty." he had a foldable bike. mine (dad's) was not foldable. when we stood up i said to him "how do i get mine to do that?" he thinks for second, decides that i am joking (as i was), realizes he has nothing to say, and says "um...i don't know actually." and here was my comeback to my own witticism "well it'd probably take more welding skills than i have. seeing as i have none." if he had said "uh, learn how to weld?" i would've laughed as it so happened he did not, that was the end of our transaction and he climbed down the stairs two steps ahead of me and did not respond when i wished him a good evening. god. people. 3) ran spots for peter pan (more later on why peter pan is the saddest story ever written) (kayla do you still have my copy of that? did i give it to you? cause i can't find it and i think i gave it to you and i want to read it again dammit). working headsets, much easier. super fun. got into san leandro at seven. rode my bike like an insane person to get home. ate some crackers and had half a Bawls. i get to the middle school ten, fifteen minutes after seven. couple people flipped out at me. Hello, I have a life, excuse me for needing to Get Paid. excuse me - but i was just asked to do this a week and a half ago please relax i don't have to get here 30 minutes early to run a damn spotlight. if you have something to tell me - working headsets! i repeat! made things more easy. gah theater is so much fun. i forgot how much fun theater is. really do miss it. 4) no sleep! no sleep last night! oh god no sleep last night! not even a single minute! had some pork buns and a chemical sangria cocktail at like four while trying to fall asleep with a movie on, a movie my parents claimed was a bad movie. we have different taste in movies. technically the story is stupid. however! the MOVIE is not ABOUT the STORY that the movie is "ABOUT". and the cinematography was exquisite. too many montages and it fell apart a little near the end, but all in all it was kind of interesting from a society-study POV re: what is "normal"? what is "conforming" etc. your typical "nurr we are in high school we love each other or do we just want to have sex?! god life is so hard!" 5) since i didn't really watch till the end i neglected to find out whether they made the "yep but it doesn't get easier you just get used to it" point which is a point worth making, y'know? 6) did i mention i've been up since seven thirty yesterday? tried sleeping, lo, it did not, did not, did not work. Current Music: charlie musselwhite (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, May 9th, 2008
6:09 pm	the old t & f 1) guitar. 2) harmonica. 3) cliche. 4) don't. give. a fuck. rightly and honestly, no fucks are given on my part - well one or two - of course - there are the one or two curses tossed around these days - the one or two - the three or four - the thousands upon thousands - there's the nausea and everything else. my head's going to explode. 5) blues. 6) youtube account? how can i say this sincerely? phrase "youtube whore" applicable 7) complete failure of language. utter insufficiency. communication...implications of "come together" (commune muni + com...com for with and muni for...you know...the many...ish...i guess...municipal etc...it's latin for citizen apparently according to the internet) 8) complete failure at guitar playing. relearning everything i thought i knew. drawing diagram upon trippy diagram of the neck. wake up at six thirty, try to fall back asleep, cannot. must play the guitar can smell it. wood and glue. nothing comes out right. should have seen this coming! 9) am a sucker. 10) am using the internet to further my sucker-dom. thus proving - (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 7th, 2008
12:32 pm	(3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, May 5th, 2008
2:29 am	fuckin blues [Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<a [...] </a>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.] <a href="http://youtube.com/user/mwdnmrf"</a>want em?</a> (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 4th, 2008
1:23 pm	BLUES 1) i have now written lyrics for six blues songs some of them are at the bottom 2) did you know playing the blues will make you so sick oh god i feel like shit 3) it's the only way people will hear you without immediately planning their response because there aint nothin to say to the fuckin blues i been practicin all morning i'd take a "Shut the hell up" or "play the fuck quieter WITCH BLUES if i ever have to see you again if i ever have to call you my friend may the devil take me at my life's bitter end you're a witch you've got a lot of charm you're full of spells sure did me some harm if i ever have to tell you good day or listen to anything you got to say well i just won't there ain't to goddamn way cause you're a witch dressin up your voodoo dolls you put me in a situation i can't explain it at all there aint no way i'm gonna give in whatchoo call magic most call a sin dont give me your hand i know where it's been cause you're a witch you mix up those potions make me wish i'd been born at the bottom of an ocean yeah she's a witch she knows which trick to use and that's why i'm twitchin with these blues this next one's about the holocaust! 1 Window No Water Barkin Dog Blues 1 window no water they took my son stole my only daughter (harmonica) Why bother to live life aint got nothin but torture to give it's so damn easy just waitin to die (then the harmonica say I want to fly why can't i fly) Fenced in, stricken with starving for a while now you've been workin on carving yourself a hole in my only piece of mind (harmonica says cant give up cant quit tryin) tell me why i should bother to survive Tell me how come you keep me half alive my baby forgot everything i taught her left me here with one window no water (harmonica) on my bike yesterday i saw a STEAK KNIFE IN THE ROAD BLUES it's a guilty street she can't be beat she stabbed me in the heart and left me to bleed left her steak knife in the road since she's the devil she must have my soul don't mind the pain aint no worse than acid rain now i'm dyin don't even have her left to blame but she left her bloody blade next to me and i know it's gonna be the last thing i ever see BIG MISTAKE BLUES (a href="http://www.megaupload.com/?d=86QR7OUH">hear it in 1 track 1 take</a> made a serious error only meant to scare her yeah i done somethin real bad before i even knew i had stabbed my woman 10 times in the chest ruined her best calico chiffon dress blood's a stain that dont come out and now you know what these blues is about i made a big mistake darlin i made a big mistake my girl i made the biggest mistake i could ever make in this big mistake world always thought you'd be the one to outlive me wish like hell you were still here to forgive me and this is the one i wrote today I FORGOT THE QUESTION BLUES told you i was hurtin so bad you just ask me why told you i was hurtin so bad told me not to cry please dont look me in the eye cause i don't think i could keep on keepin em dry i'll post a link later tonight, even. cause it's more interesting with the WICKED GUITAR AND HARMONICA PARTS Current Music: jazz, whatever the fuck that is (Comment on this)
Friday, May 2nd, 2008
12:10 am	MUSIC OH CHRIST 1) neva dinova has a new album out, thank jesus! just found it on itunes/bought it/am burning it/will listen to it obsessively tomorrow! 2) hippie roast, my jam band w/ friend marty, has a new album out, too. Hip Pie Hooray. live at oyster bay. recorded today. good times! had by all! it's the best roast so far. our fifth i think. 3) the mouth harp, god the mouth harp, that tiny organ, makes me want to die i love it so much. ask not for me to explain. but shit on my DICK i love it! them. 4) did i mention krawchrawt? metal band? me and two dirty longhairs? me on lead screaming, marty on lead bass, joaquin on lead drums. it's awesome. not that we've rehearsed yet. but i been writin metal songs. don't ask to see the lyrics. chances are you dont want to. truuuust meeee. here's a sweet song that aint metal that i wrote last night they look pretty childish, these lyrics. but you're missing the uh performance half. of the deal. and then you would njot think the lyrics were lame. STILL FLYING Still trying anyway - it's been a long long day heart's a hardup gangster, keeps making me pay I owe it a lot. after a while i forgot that though it don't say much it's still the one calling the shots still lyin anyway - small white ones mostly feathers under my bed in the back of my head i tell the truth in my unsent letters It's easy to hide something poems socks phone numbers rings well it's a different story when it comes to wings Still dryin out anyway - though the only thing i was hooked on was love - it's hard to remember that i'm not the only one heartbreak fits like a glove this ain't a cure but it's ONE HELL OF A GOOD DRUG inspiration's latin for breathing in your last breath gets pushed out i need somebody to pray on my sins can't be the only one slayin my doubts (wicked harmonica solo) but i'm still flyin anyway - tasted one sky had em all. still haven't come down, still stuck in the bliss of freefall. Still flyin anyway pretty sure i'm gonna land someday the ground rushes towards you then falls away (more harmonica to end of song) Current Mood: rhapsody Current Music: just the stuff in my head (Comment on this)
Monday, April 28th, 2008
5:45 pm	good god 1) i now have three harmonicas. C, G, and F. of course i find out that most blues are in A and E, giving me a need for a D and A harp. neither of which...i have. yet. YET! C, D, F, G, A. that will be my complete collection. next time i get pizzaid...i also bought one of those thingies for holding harmonicas and playing the guitar at the same time. tried to use it at the store a little bit to some avail. can play wish you were here. HA! the F harp is pretty useless, i realized pretty quickly. it's so high! like piercingly so, almost unpleasant. good for nice quiet marches i think. 2) i played the whole way home from el cerrito on bart. switching between harps as i saw fit. wailed wish you were here a few times because that's a crowd pleaser. not that anybody acknowledged me the whole time, part and parcel of the whole genie gig unfortunately. except for this guy sitting right behind me, seconds from my stop, says "you're getting kind of loud". so i played quietly, stood up as the train was coming to a halt, put my mouth organs away and turned around and said "sorry" to him before getting off the train. classic! 3) also i found the guitar i want at guitar center. $399, a seagull. gorgeous tone. gorgeous everything. big body. nice finish. don't ask me the technicalities cause i sure as shit don't know em. heck nah. but it's oh it's a nice guitar. so i begin to save now, yes? yes? i begin to save? yes! 4) i got the blues, people. i got the blues so bad people round the corner specktin to see some old grizzled black dude, heck nah! whatchoo see aint whatchoo get! and whatchoo see sure as shit aint whatchoo were tellin yoself you heard! BWAH HA HA HA i subvert your puny systems sadly the systems, they are not puny. and this causes...problems. yes, problems. so many problems. solves a lot of problems too. i'd say i'm breakin about even. Current Music: FREIGHT TRAIN TAKE ME AWAY FROM HERE (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 22nd, 2008
11:18 pm	you know what's hard trying to learn ballet from a video. especially a ballet with for people in it and you're trying to only learn one part. ohhhh it's hard. think i've got it almost down though. just gotta hammer out the details. like, which foot when, etc. tricky bits too. song without words. mendelssohn. two minutes twenty two seconds of waltzy bliss. went back to my home studio. open arms, welcome, etc. sure did miss my teacher lady. she said it would be okay if i was in their thingie doodle. so i'mma gonna give it a shot. (2 Comments |Comment on this)